After I had Rosie, with all the struggles i had i vowed i would breastfeed my next baby for at least a year. This didn’t go to plan and i was and still am heart broken.
When i breastfed Rosie, i had nothing but trouble. You can read about that here, and i vowed i would try again and make it work. I’ve grown up with my mum breastfeeding my sister and it just such an open subject for our family. I said while we was trying for Miyah that i would breastfeed until the baby was 1 or until they self weaned. I didn’t want any bottles, or formula. Exclusively breast fed. I watched so may videos on the best positions and pumped a bit before hand to make sure everything was going smoothly and when the time arrived and Miyah was born, one of the first things i did was latch her on.
She had a perfect latch. I was in love and my heart filled with joy. I carried pumped colostrum with me to the hospital in case I couldn’t do it! I was so relieved I didn’t have to use it. We stayed awake all night feeding, she was a very hungry baby from the start and she loves her milk. I made sure I drank enough and I ate enough to give her what she needed.
She lost quite a bit of weight at her first weigh at home, and I was told to keep going and they will check back in a week. A week later and they weighed her again and she had stayed the same. We started weighing her monthly after that and in that month she would only put in an ounce or two and it was a bit worrying. I started to make her feed for the longest I could on one side(she loved to switch and change during feeds) but she just wasn’t having any of it. I started eating more foods which was meant to help my supply and drank more water than I could handle but it came to the day where Michael & I sat down and spoke about it. We decided to try her on Cow & Gate ready made milk to see how she would go and I’ve never seen her drink so fast. She had the rest of the bottle an hour later and I tried to breastfeed her before bed! I was so excited to sit there and have some bonding time but she just screamed and wouldn’t latch, she screamed and screamed and I tried everything until we decided to try the formula, she settled immediately and slept all the way through the night. I was so heartbroken.
We had made it to 4 months breastfeeding and I am extremely proud of myself for getting that far but there will always a part of me that feels so bad and so guilty that my body couldn’t give my baby what she needed. I feel like I’ve failed her!
A few months on, i am feeling better in myself knowing i did what was best for my baby. She is now gaining weight so beautifully. Her first weigh in, after started formula was 2 weeks after we started and she gained 7oz. Where as before she was putting on maybe an oz an month. Although it is so difficult in coming to terms with not breastfeeding, i find comfort in knowing she is getting healthier by the day.
Until next time,