Okay so this blog post is a bit personal. But I really want to let it out.
As I have grown in motherhood I have almost had a sudden realisation that my mental heath was bad and how much coverage we didn’t have. So I’m here to tell you today, about my story, though it may be a hard one; I’m 100% proud to say I’m in recovery. It is a slow and steady process but I’m so much better than I was before.
The start. So me and my mental health team realised that my depression and anxiety started when I was roughly 8 when my parents split. I didn’t take it very well. Although I wasn’t sure of it I used to crave being hurt and feeling sad. It was like a drug. I used to scratch myself and pull my hair, it was awful. As I grew my problems got worse and people started to notice them. I would be drawn back. I didn’t get the help I needed till I was 14 just after I had Rosie-Belle.
14 and depressed. I was so sad, my life never seemed to bring anything to give me happiness everyday. As mean as it sounds I had my newborn but I, in my head was not happy. I got PnD and I started to see CAHMS. I confided in a school health worker with how I was feeling and how it effected me. The earlier I can remember at that age was seeing things. Things that would mess with my head and stalk me 24/7. This thing was nasty and I hated it. But it was always there… in the corner of the room, in the back of my mind. I can’t remember the first time I had a panic attack although the amount I have had is shocking. I used to get them up to 10 times a day and that is scary. When I started seeing cahms they didn’t really do much. I stopped seeing them and a year later I started again. By this point I was at an awful point. I was self harming worse and starving myself. About 8-10 months later I had a breakdown, I was in such a dark place and I told my support worker I wanted to overdose and if I was to go home that day I would. So that day I went into Wessex House. A place where I would get the support I need. I was there a week when I was aloud a weekend leave. On my weekend leave I tried to overdose and I was back in again. This place was not good for me. With temptation everywhere I was determained to get out.
Being discharged: I was discharged and my life seemed to look up, I was on the right mess and I was having panick attacks less. My mess where changed 3 times before I found something that worked I am currently on 100mg of sertriline. I have had many wobbles and downfalls since then. I was almost back at my darkest level again. After a very long journey I was diagnosed with: severe depression, PnD, social anxiety, severe anxiety and bulimia. (My bulimia is something I’m not quite ready to talk about yet)
I’m so thankful to have the support I have now, my family, Michael & his family, my friends and my online friends. They are and will always be the best. My rocks. Although things may happen and we may not all see eye to eye; I physically wouldn’t be here everyday.
Guilt: I can never seem to get over the ever growing guilt of feeling this way. Especially when I have such gorgeous babies to keep me going. I just couldn’t help it. I can ever say sorry to Rosie-Belle enough for failing her and thinking my life was not worth living because it is. This time 3 years ago I never thought I’d say that. I am proud of myself, i may not be all the time but i am. I never thought i would get this far.
I’m so happy to say that I’m so much better, My good days weigh out my bad days by far and I don’t have anxiety attacks every day anymore. I’m so so proud to say that I’m PROUD to my bones that I am here today being the best I am and looking after my babies. My life is worth living.
Positivity: it hurts my heart so much to know as me and it makes my heart sink to know I can’t help everyone, but I want to say: I promise it gets better, I promise the pain will not be there as much as there is now. This is only temporary and i know these are only words but i have been there, i have got the t shirt and the awful memories. If you EVER need anyone to talk too, i am always here. I know i say that so much but i mean it 100%.
My Mental Health has always got me down. I have my bad days and when i have bad days they turn into bad weeks to months. It hurts so much that i don’t feel good enough for my family and i feel that it can take just one thing to hurt myself again and i don’t want to walk down that road again. It is a very long, very dark and very scary road and i have no idea where i will come out at the end. I use these thoughts as a way of trying to stay positive. I stay positive for my family, they need me and sometimes i don’t understand why but i do it, for them.
These links will help you if you feel you can’t talk to your loved ones and you need someone to talk too.
Much much love.
Thank you for reading x